The Adventures of Ramen Man and Dango Boy
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: Non-massacre AU. Sakura has a date and Sasuke is brooding over his unrequited love, prompting Naruto and Itachi to make some sparks fly.


**Title:** The Adventures of Ramen Man and Dango Boy (1/2)  
**Warnings:** non-massacre AU, fails, light-hearted fluff, etc.  
**Disclaimer:** I do now own Naruto  
**Note: **So this is an old piece. Like two-years-old. But yes, I look forward to finishing it in the next part!

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When the news that Sakura Haruno was going on a date with Rock Lee on Saturday came to him, Sasuke merely snorted, shrugged, and asked Naruto what his point was. The blond began to wave his arms about, all but _shouting_ that Sasuke had to do something about it because he obviously liked her.

"I _do not_ like her," Sasuke spat, glaring at his so-called best friend. "What the hell gave you that idea, idiot?"

"I've heard stories!" the blond retorted passionately. Ino told him all about what she called the 'Forest of Death Cursed Seal Hug of EPIC SCOREAGE.' "And I've seen you, Sasu-perv!" Naruto leered at him with the most mischievous of grins on his lips. "You may think you're being discreet when you check her out during training... but you're not." He eyed the photo of Team Seven that was on the night stand (beside one of his family) and his grin widened. "Ha, any specific reason why her photo's so close to your bed, bastard?"

Sasuke stared at him flatly. "I refuse to dignify that with a response."

Clapping, Naruto began to dance about in Sasuke's room, loudly exclaiming, "It's okay, bastard, I won't tell anyone about your secret crush on Sakura-chan."

"_Shut the hell up_!" Sasuke yelled, lunging at the blond and throwing his hands over his mouth. "My mom is home! If she hears anything about my crush on Sakura, she'll..."

He shuddered.

Mikoto would be elated and surely, would force him into a suit with chocolates and flowers and make him do something ridiculous.

"Ugh, just shut up, dumbass." Sasuke was surprised that Naruto listened to him and was indeed, shutting up. Curious, he looked up and saw the blond staring back, astonished. "...what?"

Naruto's grin grew. "You... you _like_ her!" He laughed loudly and pointed at Sasuke. "I mean, I was just joking and trying to piss you off but look at this—you're not even denying it, hell, I'll quote you on it. What'd you say, bastard? 'My crush on Sakura'?" Naruto punched Sasuke on the shoulder. "You're actually not gay! Man, I was even getting worried—"

"Shut _up_, idiot!" There was a knock on the door and Sasuke frowned. "_What_?"

When the gruff word came out, Sasuke cringed and prayed that that wasn't his mother. He didn't want to deal with a lecture from her on manners at the moment. Not with how frustrated _Naruto_ was already making him.

The door opened and Itachi stared at them from the doorframe.

"Please be quieter," he requested flatly.

Naruto scratched the back of his neck bashfully. "Ah, sorry about that, Itachi!" he apologized, almost sounding sincere, though Sasuke really doubted it. "It's just... something _phenomenal_ has happened! I've had a _revelation_. Well, sort of. More so Sasuke did. I think. Hm."

Itachi raised an eyebrow at that, curious, because really, it wasn't everyday that the Hokage's idiot son was hit by a stroke of genius. Even when the boy was younger, Itachi could remember the times he had to go see the Yondaime, who just so happened to be watching his son. Naruto, perhaps six at the time, was sitting by the wall, curiously poking at an outlet, sometimes daring to stick his finger in. It wasn't until he took out a fork (from where, Itachi would _never_ know) that his father bothered to intervene.

For once, wisely, Naruto took the gesture as a sign for him to continue. "Sasu-bastard _likes a girl_!" Itachi was _clearly_ at a loss for words, and Naruto could sympathize. "I _know_, right? I told you it was phenomenal! Now he's jealous though because Sakura-chan is going to go on a date with Lee—"

"I _don't_ have a crush on Sakura!" Sasuke growled, smacking Naruto in the head, "so shut up, idiot, and don't spread rumours like that!"

"Uderstandable." The squabbling sixteen-year-olds glanced at Itachi, who was standing still, pondering. Itachi nodded to himself and then looked at his younger brother. "It is understandable. Haruno-san has developed into a beautiful young woman, and after returning from her apprenticeship with Tsunade-sama, her level of skill has increased remarkably."

Naruto pouted, remembering the time when a few months after the chuunin exam (which they passed, _thankyouverymuch_), Sakura left the village to embark on an apprenticeship with the renowned kunoichi, Tsunade. She returned to Konoha ten months ago (during which they passed the jounin exams together), grown up and much, much stronger. Naruto shuddered at the memory of his firsthand discovery of Sakura's level of strength. In her absence, however, Naruto began his Sasuke-has-a-massive-creepy-crush-slash-obsession-thing-with-Sakura-chan theory since he became "significantly more _emo_" with her gone.

"Mother will be pleased to hear this," Itachi murmured, though his audience wasn't sure if he was talking to them or not.

When he turned around, whether to go to his room or to the kitchen where Mikoto was, Sasuke did not know.

So he panicked.

"H—HEY!" Sasuke called, clearly agitated. "Where are you going?"

"Yeah!" Naruto ran over to Itachi and grabbed his arm, oblivious to the elder's sudden glare directed his way. "Come on, we need your help."

"With what?" Itachi asked, somewhat wary.

Naruto smiled brightly. "Why with helping the bastard get the girl, of course!"

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"Is it necessary that we watch Haruno-san from the bushes?"

Naruto scoffed, and looked away from Sakura to stare at Itachi condescendingly. "_Obviously_. Trust me, Itachi. I_ know_ what I'm doing."

"That's pathetic," Sasuke muttered. "You realize you're calling yourself a professional stalker, right? That's messed up, idiot."

"Not as messed up as your _face_ will be," Naruto hissed back, poking Sasuke.

"Well, it can't be more messed up than what your face _already_ is," Sasuke retorted, smirking smugly.

"If you two continue as you are, I suspect Haruno-san will discover our position," his brother murmured. Like the perfect shinobi, even when on an unofficial surveillance mission of sorts, Itachi Uchiha was completely on guard and doing his job to the best of his abilities. "She has just exited the shop. I believe she has purchased a new dress."

Naruto frowned at Itachi, confused. "How the heck did you figure _that_ out?"

Itachi pointed to where their current target was standing. "The plastic bag is translucent, so I can see she bought something with a floral print, which just so happens to be the same floral print that the dress in the window has."

With a pout, Naruto nudged Sasuke. "Dude, your brother is making us look stupid," he whispered rather loudly.

Sasuke snorted. "You don't need anyone to make you look stupid. You do that all on your own."

"What's your problem?" Naruto stood up abruptly. He continued glaring at Sasuke, unaware that it essentially looked like he was fighting with a bush. "Listen, bastard, I know it breaks your little black heart and you want to cry tears of blood and all that jazz because Sakura-chan is going out with some other guy, but you're being unnecessarily cranky."

Sasuke stood up, taking pride in the fact that he was an inch-and-a-half taller, and thus, could _look down_ on Naruto. "Maybe you're just being too sensitive. On your period, princess? Are you _man_strating?"

Naruto reddened. "Oh, that's rich, coming from you, bitch!"

"You two are making a scene," Itachi murmured, joining them in standing. "Ah, Haruno-san has spotted us. She is approaching."

Sasuke and Naruto gaped at him.

"And _why_ did you not _tell_ us?" Naruto whipped around to shake Itachi by the shoulders but decided against it when he remembered who he was.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "I was under the impression that you knew what you were doing."

Naruto clenched his jaw tightly and turned back to Sasuke. "I don't like him," he declared, referring to the elder Uchiha.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, you—"

"Sasuke! Naruto!" Sakura looked a bit surprised by their third companion. "Itachi?"

Itachi nodded to her. "Haruno-san," he greeted.

Sakura sighed. "Itachi, I told you to just call me Sakura!"

"None of that matters, Sakura-chan," Naruto cut in loudly before Itachi could reply—and quite rudely, at that. The blond patted Sasuke on the back, pushing him forward. "The bastard has something he wants to say to you."

Sasuke's eyes widened at the Naruto's clear _betrayal_.

"Huh?" Sakura turned to him and smiled warmly. "Oh, well what's up, Sasuke?"

_Think_, Sasuke ordered himself in vain. He swallowed nervously but no one seemed to notice. "Uh..."

After almost a minute went by, Naruto fought the urge to face-palm. Instead, he stepped in front of Sasuke and grinned widely at Sakura. "What the bastard means to say, Sakura-chan, is that we have a mission this weekend."

Her face fell. "What? But I—" Sakura cut herself off. Naruto almost felt bad for lying, knowing that Sakura was too professional to choose something like a _date_ (with Lee—WITH _LEE_) over a mission—her duty. And well, if she wasn't, Naruto wasn't above bringing those factors up. "Okay." Sakura sighed and looked rather defeated. "Well, what is it?"

Naruto froze. Sasuke, beside him, seemed deep in thought, as if still trying to figure out what he had to say to Sakura. Itachi—

Naruto pointed to Itachi. He hadn't been looking where his finger was going and accidentally poked the elder Uchiha in the face. "Sakura-chan,_ please_," Naruto said, appalled. "We can't talk super secret ninja stuff in front of Itachi."

"...I'm pretty sure he outranks us, Naruto," Sakura replied slowly, looking at Naruto, confused.

Not wasting a second, Naruto corrected himself. "What I _meant_ was that he's not on our team. So... yeah."

Sakura glanced at Itachi, who seemed to find interest in something across the road. "I suppose that's true." She then looked back to Naruto and frowned deeply. "Really though, Naruto, we need to work on your manners. You interrupt conversations, point at people, and exclude them." Sakura looked like his mother did whenever he came the _morning after_ a date. "It's rude."

"...WHAT THE HELL?"

When he shouted, her expression followed that of Kushina's when his father gave him a nice thumbs-up over her shoulder and she caught him doing so. "Stop _shouting_," Sakura growled, punching his arm. "Ugh, you're so _embarrassing_, Naruto!"

He pouted. "Sakura-chan, you're so mean to me!" Naruto whined. "Sometimes I think you really..." He looked down and fiddled with the hem of his coat, "well that you really don't like me—"

"Guilt won't work on me."

"You're _evil_," Naruto grumbled. "You have ice in your veins. Seriously. It's no wonder Sasu-bastard is totally in love with you."

When everyone went silent and he heard Sakura gasp, Naruto realized what just came out of his mouth. He cringed, getting that _feeling_ he usually got when Sasuke or Sakura (or sometimes even Kakashi on his bad days) was about to pummel him for being annoying or saying something totally inappropriate.

Naruto laughed awkwardly. "Uh—"

"_What_ did you just say?" Sakura practically shrieked.

Still directing his gaze downwards, Naruto caught a glimpse of Sasuke's clenched fists.

_Ah, fuck me._

He was so dead.

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**TBC**

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Basically I'm off from school right now and only work part-time so I have way too much time on my hands. I spent today going through my harddrive and found sooo many things I have yet to post. So yes.


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